The recent death of Nolan Xavier Wells has left a family grieving, a community searching for answers, and many parents confronting a fear they rarely allow themselves to fully name.

Nolan was a college student and football player with a life, a future, and people who loved him deeply. After traveling to Horn Island, Mississippi, over the July 4 weekend, he did not return home. His body was found two days later, leaving those who loved him to face a loss no family should have to endure.

For many parents, especially Black mothers and fathers, stories like Nolan’s do more than bring sadness.

They activate fear.

They surface the questions that sit just beneath the surface of everyday life:

What happens when my child is no longer within my reach?

Will the people around them protect them?

What if they need help and no one calls me?

What if I have done everything I know to do, and it still is not enough?

This is for the mother carrying those questions while continuing to work, lead, care for others, manage her home, and hold herself together.

You may be functioning.

But you may also be living on high alert.

When Concern Becomes Constant Vigilance

Caring about your child’s safety is not the problem. You teach awareness. You ask for check-ins. You want to know who they are with, where they are going, and how they plan to get home. That is responsible parenting, but sometimes, protection shifts into a position you feel you can never leave.

Your child may be at school, college, work, practice, or out with friends, while part of your mind stays fixed on everything that could go wrong. You may:

• Check their location repeatedly

• Feel your body tense when they do not respond quickly

• Struggle to rest until they are home

• Mentally rehearse emergencies that have not happened

• Ask more questions because uncertainty feels unbearable

• Appear calm while your thoughts move from one worst-case scenario to another

For many Black parents, this fear is not imagined. It is shaped by lived experience, community loss, racial realities, and the awareness that their children may not always be protected in the same way as others.

Your concern has context, but even understandable fear can keep your body under constant strain.

Your Nervous System Is Carrying This Too

When your brain senses danger, your body prepares to respond.

Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tighten. Your breathing shifts. Your attention narrows. This response is protective in a real emergency. The challenge is when your body stays in that state, even when no immediate threat is present. You may be working, cooking, or trying to sleep while your nervous system remains on guard.

Over time, that can look like:

• Difficulty relaxing

• Irritability or impatience

• Racing thoughts

• Trouble concentrating

• Constant checking or reassurance-seeking

• Sleep disruption

• Physical tension or headaches

• Emotional exhaustion without relief

“At some point, vigilance stops feeling like protection and starts feeling like pressure. And still, you may tell yourself, ‘This is just what good mothers do.’”

Awareness and Anxiety Are Not the Same

Awareness is grounded in what is happening.

Anxiety is driven by what might happen.

Awareness creates plans.

Anxiety demands control.

Awareness teaches discernment.

Anxiety teaches fear.

Awareness says, “Let’s think this through.”

Anxiety says, “If I don’t control this, something terrible will happen.”

The difference is subtle, but it matters, because children do not just hear what we say. They absorb how we feel.

Children Feel What We Carry

Children need honest conversations about safety. Black children, in particular, often need guidance for realities their peers may not face in the same way, but they are also watching you.

They notice the tension in your voice. They notice when every outing becomes an interrogation. They notice when a delayed response creates panic. They notice when independence is treated as danger.

Without meaning to, a parent can transfer anxiety while trying to transfer wisdom. The goal is not to raise children who are unaware. It is to raise children who are prepared, and not consumed by fear.

Protecting Your Child Without Losing Your Peace

There is no strategy that removes all risk. That is a difficult truth, but you can create safety and connection without asking your body to stay in emergency mode.

Create Clear Safety Agreements

Have specific, calm conversations before your child leaves. Focus on plans, not fear. Clarity reduces the need for repeated warnings.

Regulate Before You Respond

Pause when fear rises. Breathe. Notice your body.

Ask yourself: "Am I responding to what is happening, or to what I am imagining?"

Limit Repeated Exposure to Distressing News

Staying informed is different from staying immersed. Continuous exposure keeps your nervous system activated without adding protection.

Ask Questions That Build Judgment

Instead of controlling every detail, help your child think:

• What feels safe or unsafe here?

• What would make you leave?

• Who can you call?

• What will you do if the original plan changes?

This builds internal awareness, not just rule-following.

Notice When Protection Becomes Control

More control does not always create more safety.

As children grow, they need space to apply what you have taught them.

Help Your Body Come Out of Alert Mode

After fear is activated, intentionally return to the present:

• Step outside

• Stretch your body

• Pray slowly, not urgently

• Write down what is and is not in your control

• Talk to someone grounded

Peace is not always immediate, but it is practiced.

Faith and Fear Can Coexist

If your faith is central to your life, it can also become a place of tension. You may feel like you should not be this afraid, but faith does not require you to deny your humanity. You can trust God and still feel anxious. You can pray and still need support. You can believe your child is covered and still struggle when they leave your sight.

Faith does not remove reality. It gives you somewhere to place what you cannot control.

You can prepare.

You can teach.

You can stay engaged.

And you can acknowledge that you were never meant to carry the full weight of protecting your child from everything.

When Support May Be Needed

Some seasons of worry are temporary, but when fear becomes constant, support matters. This is not a sign that you are weak; it is a sign that you have been carrying more than one nervous system was meant to hold alone.

You may benefit from counseling if:

• You regularly imagine worst-case scenarios

• You cannot settle until your child is home

• Reassurance never feels like enough

• Anxiety creates conflict in your home

• You avoid situations because something might happen

• Your sleep, focus, or peace is consistently disrupted

Support is not about dismissing your concerns. It is about helping you carry them differently, so you can remain protective without being overwhelmed.

Authentic Perspectives Counseling & Wellness Center offers evening telehealth appointments for mothers and adults balancing work, parenting, leadership, and caregiving. You spend a great deal of time making sure everyone else is okay. There should also be space for someone to care for you.

You can love deeply. You can prepare wisely. You can stay aware; and you can protect your children without asking your nervous system to live on high alert.

About the Author

La Tanya D. Walker, M.Ed., MHCI

Mental Health Counselor Intern

Founder & Clinical Director

Authentic Perspectives Counseling &

Wellness Center

"Specialists in Women's Mental Health"

www.AUTHENTICPERSPECTIVESCC.com 

Serving Women Across Central Florida in Orlando | Windermere | Winter Garden | Ocoee | Clermont